I find myself in a very uneasy place, seems like a perpetual state, I am caught between believing God’s promises and wondering if there is a God. For the first time in 24 years, I am questioning the mere existence of God. The first time was when my sister died and maybe the question is resurfacing because for the first time in my life I am dealing with that fact. My sister died when I was 9, and that sucked and in all honesty it still does and yes, I am still quite angry, annoyed, pissed about the whole thing.
In all the above, God has been speaking, and I have been doing cursory listening at best. In all the above, God keeps sending people who need me and keep helping, listening and praying. In all the above, I resonate with the pain and anguish of others and according to them, I still have the ability to help.
This brings me to Psalm 126: 5-6 (NIV)
Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.