surprisingly

Surprisingly myself, yet still surprisingly inadequate, it has been awhile since I blogged for the sake of sharing, so as I type this out I am laughing and dare I say crying on the inside. Not sure why I am choosing to be so transparent in a not so private space. Maybe I am just growing up and truly learning to accept me. Self-acceptance has never been a problem for me; I have always been comfortable walking to the beat of a very different drum when I felt it was an absolute necessity.

In theory, I am beginning to feel like me again, whatever that means or looks like to outside world. In recent months, I have chosen to downsize, step down and back away from a lot of responsibilities. I was overwhelmed, there was not forest, there were not trees and a sea of responsibility I was lost and drowning. Thus to breathe I made some mental list and started to delete things that did not make sense for me at this juncture of life. Do I feel better but of course? Do I feel as if I have let people down? Of course.

Which leads me to the surprisingly myself, surprisingly inadequate, there are few things that make me question me, in the end my friends, my church, my family and men (boys). Okay, I know I said a few things, trust me it is a few in the way that relationally these groups can evoke paranoia, feelings of inadequacy and issues of trust in one fail swoop.

Where was I going with this? Maybe here, it does not take much for me to fall apart believe it or not, I do a very good job dressing it up and unless you are Pam (who keeps me honest); Tenea, Annie or Ms. Catherine (who just know before I even speak); or CL who knows the pain of my silence. I can usually make it by without even a hint of something being not quite right. I made through my undergraduate education mostly clinical depressed (undiagnosed). I was a Psych major someone really should have put me meds about 18 months into to college, okay I digress. I survived, and they conferred the degree, which I need to find by the way. So why inadequate? We live in a society where comparison in unfair and inevitable. Hence in all of my success, sacrifice, obedience, kindness, trying, giving it never seems to be enough, everyone wants more and expects more. Reality check, no one is giving me a lot in return, not that I am asking. I have very limited expectations of people when it comes to meeting needs. That is God’s job. However, it would be nice if someone with skin on (through that in for my girls…who know) would care. It is very easy to be in a crowded room or even a not so crowded room, be engaged in conversation, be the center of attention and still be alone.

I admit and own that I struggle with letting people in. Oddly enough most of my inner circle willing admits and not so willingly admit they have the same problem, ah how the functionally dysfunctional find each other. Through it all we have the enormous capacity to love even when we do not feel loved. When I resigned and left SAS I figured my point proving days were over, I was wrong. Most of my life had seemed like a game in which I willing played until last year when I woke up and was sick and tired of playing.

Surprisingly myself, this is my life, and I am pretty happy with it, accepting facts as they are, I may always feel inadequate, guaranteed I will always be inadequate is someone’s eyes. Surprisingly inadequate, I will continue to plan parties, by gifts and do all the things people expect to some degree and no one may ever do those things for me. Secret. I do not like parties and do not care for gifts. Years of disappointment lead me to say, please don’t. Few people have every gotten the gift giving thing right with me (you know who you are, thanks for listening, paying attention and knowing me).

A semi-lucid rant from a tired mind, a lot was left unsaid intentionally.

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